four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
