i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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