just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Randomize
