The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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