yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
