Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
