i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
