Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
