so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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