I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We left the knife in your bed.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
