Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
