I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
