Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
