Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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