i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
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I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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