I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
