I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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