I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
