Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".