Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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