Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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