I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Sorry about my life...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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