Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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