Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
