I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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