My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
