38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
