Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
