i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
