My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
