I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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