I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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