You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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