Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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