The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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