Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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