ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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