if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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