woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
