Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
