theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
