theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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