the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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