you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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