ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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