dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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