I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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