I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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