I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i came on her dog
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
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