If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We need a shit load of segways right now
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
