saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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