grandma shit on top of the toilet
...so i touched it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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