Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
