So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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