piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
