when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
