I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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